burnout continues and becomes visible on my very own face

date: 27/4/2024

feeling: frustrated

Kinda sad how I haven't felt a positive emotions in such a long time...

my art journey won't stop being this rocky if I keep feeling so jealous towards other artists... I wonder why that is? I have no idea how people who claim to have once been envious but are now rehabilitated and going their own way even do that. How do you fix an emotion as overwhelming as envy, especially when you feel is just part of you? people describe envy as a product of insecurity but I'd also like to attribute it to excessive perfectionism. You see something that, in your mind, objectively looks and is better made, with a much more intricate execution and thought process behind it... Lately, I've been feeling so envious I started getting some really bad outbreaks. this hasn't happened since high school. maybe something else is going on...?

But if I look at it from an outer perspective, my art has never been that complicated in the first place. I just feel like it should be because everyone else's is.

actually, repeating to myself that overcomplicating things isn't my forte, but simple and cute art is makes me feel a little bit better. the key is not thinking about it too much.

I also lied about not feeling a positive emotion in a long time. this image made me very happy.

watched perfect blue

date: 24/4/2024

feeling: nervous

I won't put a proper review for it (yet) (also because I really don't think it's a movie that needs one. It just has to be seen, it already speaks for itself.) but watching perfect blue in theater was a great experience. I didn't even notice that it was a 4k remaster, I was more focused on how surprisingly good the volume regulation was. Usually when I go to the theater the audio mixing is always dogshit or at least fine enough for me not to comment on it, but whoever remastered the audio and volume did a great job. It was blaring when it needed to and increased the suspense and sense of fear it was supposed to give off. I had already seen the movie, but this experience was peak.

It definitely made my week better, which sounds a little insane. Lately, whenever I go to class I always seem to encounter some freaks or nutcases that either won't leave me alone or are just doing something so weird I can't even imagine what goes on through their head when they're doing it. Of course, I'm gonna keep this as vague as I can.

Class was canceled today, actually. It made me pretty mad because I have to walk for about half an hour to get from the subway to my uni, but I got to have breakfast at a cafe for once. Finally, I couldn't wait for my chance. Cafes in my town (and in Italy in general let's be real) are always so packed for no reason.

unknown feeling

date: 22/4/2024

feeling: unknown feeling

It's not that I've had a bad day today but I just can't understand what's going on with me lately. I'm trying to slowly force myself out of art block and I really want to talk to my ig mutuals to give myself a little boost but I know that's not what I should do considering how jealous I can be if I accidentally spend too much time there, inevitably look at the explore page and see art that is objectively better than mine and had way more passion and effort put into it. I don't need to see that right now.

I realized I only had pizza today (but like, actual good pizza and not shitty american style nyc pizza). I think it's a little justified though. I went to the airport to get my mom who was coming back from the philippines today. I was kind of amazed at how she already seemed to want to get back to doing her work despite a 10+ hour flight. It's nice to not be the only other person in the house besides my dad now, I don't think I'm that good at entertaining him.

For some reason, last night I stumbled upon hazel's cover of love slave by under17 and something about it just made me break down crying. which is kind of funny considering it's a cover of the opening of an anime that's about legalized slavery or whatever (do not quote me on this i havent actually seen dears lol). Maybe it was something about the way it was executed, how distorted every instrument is or maybe a certain chord that just makes me feel melancholic. I really wonder what's wrong lately besides the fact that I'm not being so productive in the art department. but I also don't want to strain myself too much. It's a little futile if im not even finishing anything but at least id be making something.

feeling weirdf

date: 21/4/2024

feeling: lightheaded

I had lots of plans for today but I seem too tired to do anything. I tried drawing a little but nothing comes to me. I'd lay in bed and rest until I feel energized enough to do something but I just feel lightheaded whenever I do so. I might be hungry but there's nothing to eat. I don't know why I'm feeling like this it's kind of annoying.

I called my mom today and she's coming back from the philippines today. She showed me the manila airport and got me some souvenirs so I'm a little excited for that. I haven't seen her in two months, I'm probably too focused on that to do anything today.

what's going on

date: 20/4/2024

feeling: huh???

yesterday I got invited over by a very close friend of mine. We had fun like always the moment I got there but for some reason, after a couple of hours I started feeling as if something wrong was going on. only a me thing, though. nothing weird was said or anything.

The next day, I felt a little bit better. I got up late but me and friend went grocery shopping so that we could make cookies in the likeness of her cat. we even got some flowers, which was pretty nice. We watched movies as we baked (I kinda lost track of everything we've watched so I doubt I'll log any of those lol) but then I started to feel weird again. I went home at around 5:30 PM, but when I called my dad to come pick me up I noticed that I couldn't stop looking out the window to check if he was there yet. what made me so eager to get away from there and go home?

I ended up getting pretty sick an hour after I arrived home and now I'm here writing my thoughts. I have many things to get to. Notes to self:

• I need to finish super gals so that I can log it
• I also need to finish paradise kiss, which I started with my friends yesterday
• watch the birds by hitchcock and shin kamen rider by hideaki anno
• I URGENTLY need to draw.
• Maybe I'll start working on a nanba plush

loneliness on the web + why I left neocities

date: 19/4/2024

feeling: sleepy

11:30 AM

I wonder if I'll ever get an internet friend.

so I guess I feel like talking about why I'm returning only now. if you've read the rest of this site already, you've already learned that I just needed a space where I could actually talk and write without my paragraphs completely breaking the layout I've made ^^... but also because I've realized that everyone following nerucom was only following and saving my site to add it to their 'website insp' list. Which does feel good, but not so much when I came to the conclusion that once again, I'm creating a product for other people to consume. Everyone likes telling me how talented and how good my art is but I always wonder if anybody actually cares about me. Which I realize might sound a little cringe boo hoo nobody care about me, but I also came to neocities hoping I'd be able to make some friends or meet someone. I can tell there's mutual respect between me and my mutuals, yet our few interactions feel so cold.

I returned to instagram a few months ago. To my surprise, majority of my mutuals still followed me and remembered who I was, despite me being gone for more than a year. I guess the problem of me being unable to tell whether the person behind the screen leaving nice comments under my art will stop caring about me the moment I stop drawing still persisted. my approach with social media like those is to never use tags, staying in circles of trusted people despite my account being public and my art frequently popping up on people's explore page, but I try to stay as private as I can, satisfied of my follower count of almost 1k. Which is already a lot to me. it felt nicer than being on neocities though, even considering how much I dislike social media and try to avoid them as much as possible. My mutuals were still welcoming towards me, it feels nice having something in common. and, aside from web design, I don't think I have anything in common with anyone here. maybe I should try a little harder, participate a little more...?

I've been thinking a lot about chatrooms lately. what is it that made them so comforting and fun back in the 2000s and early 2010s but so terrifying now? Is discord the root of all evil? (yes)

I'm thinking that chatrooms or forums might be my solution. status.cafe's forum seems fun. We should bring back bbs.

pigeon pigeon pigeon

date: 18/4/2024

feeling: serene!

to new beginnings, I guess. I think I should have started to write a bit earlier about my journey with befriending the local pigeons at a park on the way to my university, but I don't think I'll forget about what happened prior to today's big event.

I couldn't stop thinking about how one old man a couple of days ago scolded me and told me that it was prohibited to feed the pigeons... which is not, and nowhere in the italian civil code it is said that it's against the law. I think this old fart (and I'm sorry to call him that, but nobody likes snitches) was probably thinking how it's actually prohibited in venice, a city reduced to a tourist attraction, with a density of about fifty people per square meter wherever you go, where pigeons are fed a bunch of shit en masse by dumbasses who don't know better. but that's a discussion for another day.

for everyone's information, I've started feeding a small flock of pigeons recently. Of course, I make sure to get them some good and tasty seeds, checking their nutritional values and making sure they're eating well.

I've loved and owned birds ever since childhood, but in years of owning parakeets and cardinals from pet stores (location of acquisition unknown of course, but you could probably take a few guesses considering it's pet stores we're talking about), I've never felt this much joy in interacting with birds. Regardless of species, they're such smart and intelligent animals... they bring so much joy in this boring, lonely uni life of mine. It stings, but somehow being with the pigeons makes it so much better. Their talons leave me with scratches all over my knees when they try to climb up on me, yet that slight itch is nothing compared to how searing people's bitterness is.

I just couldn't stop thinking about that old man. The more I think about, the more it pisses me off realizing that he just wanted to feel smart, play cop or whatever the fuck. the way he said it, the way he repeated 'it's prohibited to feed the pigeons' twice, the tone of voice that seemed so nonchalant... I think this guy was more interested in scolding some random guy instead of actually looking after the pigeons.

Anyway, enough of me being an asshole to the elderly, today I've made a great achievement! The flock I'm feeding is a little too shy to eat off of my hand, but a couple of brave ones still decide to give it a try. Usually one will start, then another one will follow, then the next one... Until I started to play with this a little, making them climb up the bench I'm sitting on, hand feeding them from there, then with another hand offering some more and making some sort of ladder with my two palms, so that the real bold ones will climb up my hand. And it worked! A couple of them felt confident enough to do this. I even got to pet one for a little bit. I can't wait until next time. At this point I might care more about meeting my feathered friends instead of going to class.